


Fate's Assassin

by Flabbyknight



Series: HP Stories [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 14:16:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20893442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flabbyknight/pseuds/Flabbyknight
Summary: Dumbledore uses his greatest tool to strike down his foes.





	Fate's Assassin

_ "The one with the power to vanquish the Masters of Defense — oh and the Dark Lord too — approaches... born to those who thrice streaked through Hogsmeade, born as the seventh month dies... none that teach him the Art of Defense shall be left unmarked. He will have power the Dark Lord knows not... The Master must destroy the Student or fall to his hand... The one with the power to vanquish the Masters of Defense — and the Dark Lord — approaches... " _

"The fuck?" thought Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore.

_ Eleven years later _

"I'm sorry Cassandra, but I'm going to have to let you go," said Dumbledore sadly.

"But why?" Cassandra exclaimed. "You've been happy with my teaching for the last twenty years! What has changed? Have I been doing something wrong? If I have, I can fix it!"

"It's complicated," sighed Dumbledore. "But you won't be teaching here next year. If you wish to use me as a reference, I am more than happy to put in a good word."

Dumbledore watched sadly as Cassandra left, nearly in tears. It was for the best. He was rather fond of her, and would hate to see her struck down by Harry Potter. Unfortunately, he would need to find a replacement before the next school year came around. Somebody he wouldn't feel guilty about using as a sacrifice to the altar that was Harry Potter. Luckily, the answer to his dilemma fell onto his lap a week later.

...

Dumbledore stared in bafflement as Quirinus showed up to his office with Voldemort's foul magic radiating off of him. Did Tom think that Dumbledore was an idiot and wouldn't know that he was using Quirinus as a host of sorts? Dumbledore was considering striking him down right then and there when an idea struck him. "Ah, Quirinus! I am in something of a bind. You see, Cassandra has had to leave this year, and you have professed an interest in the Defense Against the Dark Arts in the past. Would you be willing to take the position?"

"O-of course Dumbledore," said Quirinus, giving Dumbledore a shaky smile.

Dumbledore smirked inwardly.

...

Well, that hadn't quite worked out quite like he planned. Harry had only managed to kill Quirinus and had let Tom get away. Well, the prophecy never stated when Harry would strike down his targets, so maybe it was only a matter of time? Well, as long as he kept Harry alive, everything should work itself out.

...

'Ugh,' thought Dumbledore. He hated these damn Ministry parties. He felt a headache coming on from listening to all these morons spewing their idiotic drivel. He gave the blond moron in front of him a warm smile, "That is quite fascinating indeed, Gilderoy."

"I  _ am _ pretty amazing," agreed the pompous windbag. "Your accomplishments are pretty impressive as well! They aren't as impressive as my own, of course, but you do quite well for yourself as a school teacher."

Dumbledore barely held back an angry retort. He should put this fool in his place. He should... No, he really shouldn't... He was a better man than that. "I am flattered that you think so Gilderoy," Dumbledore bit out.

Gilderoy chuckled heartily, "My pleasure. Don't worry, maybe one day you could even be as great as me! With my help, of course.” Fuck it. "Gilderoy, would you like a job?" asked Dumbledore. Hopefully Harry would burn this one to death as well.

...

As Dumbledore watched the mediwizards cart Gilderoy away, he couldn't help but feel impressed by Harry's vindictiveness. At first, Dumbledore had regretted his rash decision and considered firing Gilderoy before anything happened to him. The problem was that every time he went to let Gilderoy go, he actually had to  _ speak _ to the man, and... well, he stopped feeling guilty again every time. As it turned out, Gilderoy had been illegally obliviating people anyway, so it was really karmic justice in a sense.

...

Dumbledore felt like shoving rusty nails into his ears just so that he could drown out the neverending whining of the sack of shit in front of him. Remus Lupin. 

"... and then an owl pooped on me." Remus finished whatever he had been rambling about with tears in his eyes.

Holding in a sigh, Dumbledore spoke, "Remus, as much as I enjoy your company, I am afraid I am quite busy. So, unless there was something that I can help you with, I have other things that I must be doing."

"Well..." began Remus with his irritating voice. "I kind of need a job, and since your Defense position is open..."

"I would love nothing more than to give the position to you Remus...” began Dumbledore. While Remus grated on his nerves, he didn't want the fate of the last two victims of Harry Potter's wrath to befall Remus as well. "But—"

"It's because I'm a werewolf isn't it," interrupted Remus forlornly. Dumbledore's eyebrow twitched. If there was one thing he hated, it was being interrupted. "No one else will give me a job because of my curse or be my friend or..."

_ Oh god. _ Dumbledore couldn't listen to this any longer. He interrupted whatever depressive rambling was coming from the werewolf's mouth hole. "If you had let me finish, Remus, you would know that you already had the job. I was just going to say that we would have to have an official interview at a later date as a formality.

"Really?" Remus said, surprised. "Even with my curse? How do you know that I won't hurt anybody? I'm a monster after all and—"

"I believe in you Remus," Dumbledore said, somehow managing to keep a straight face.

...

Huh. That was another one that got away. Sure, Remus's reputation in the wizarding world was in ruins for almost eating Harry Potter and all, but Dumbledore could hardly call that  _ vanquished. _ He guessed the prophecy had a more liberal definition of the word vanquish. Unless Harry was merely biding his time... Ah well, not important.

Dumbledore was humming merrily to himself as he walked through Diagon Alley when he was suddenly knocked off his feet, landing on his nose  _ hard. _ "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" bellowed Alastor.

Dumbledore got to his feet and gingerly touched his nose. With a grimace he confirmed that it was broken  _ again _ . 'Why is it always the nose?' he thought dismally. He turned and scowled at Alastor. "Really Alastor? Don't you have anything  _ better _ to do with your time?"

"Nope," responded Alastor with a grin. "I was forced into retirement yesterday, so I'm finding new ways to entertain myself." 

Dumbledore closed his eyes in exasperation and was promptly hit with an expulso curse. "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

Dumbledore laid on the ground, fuming for a minute, before getting to his feet again. "Well Alastor, if you're bored, then could I interest you in a job perhaps?"

Alastor made a face. "Ugh. Teaching kids? That sounds absolutely  _ awful." _

"Well, if you don't want the job..." Dumbledore said with a shrug, "then I guess I will have to give it to Severus."

Alastor scowled. "I forgot that bastar— that  _ he _ worked at Hogwarts. He wants the job, does he? You know what? I can stand to teach for a year."

"I am glad to hear it," said Dumbledore with a beaming smile and twinkling eyes.

...

Damn. Alastor managed to survive by being kidnapped and then replaced by Barty, who had been promptly vanquished by Harry at the end of the year. Well, he supposed that being locked in a trunk for a year was punishment enough, so he would forgive Alastor.

...

"Thank you for coming to meet me Dumbledore," simpered Dolores. Or — as he personally thought of her — bloated toad bitch.

Dumbledore forced the smile to stay on his face. "It is  _ always _ a pleasure to speak with you Dolores."

"Well, let's get down to business, I suppose. I regret to inform you that you have been  _ removed _ from the position of Chief Warlock!" she said sweetly.

Dumbledore blinked. "I believe that there is usually a vote held for the removal of the Chief Warlock."

"We had an emergency vote yesterday, did you not get the memo? The Wizengamot removed you due to fear that you may be suffering from senility," she said, smirking at Dumbledore.

"I see." Dumbledore reined in the urge to hex her. "Well, if that is all, I need to get back to Hogwarts."

"Oh, there's one more thing," she said. "If you don't find an approved teacher for the Defense position, the ministry  _ will _ provide one."

"May I ask who you will be providing?" Dumbledore asked through clenched teeth.

"We have not decided yet, but rest assured, they will be vetted by me," she replied.

"Well as long as it is not you, since you are beyond useless, it should be fine," said Dumbledore. "Oh dear, did I say that out loud? I must be getting  _ senile _ ."

"Get out!" she said with a snarl. Dumbledore walked out of the office with a skip to his step.

...

Wow. Just wow. Violated by a herd of centaurs. Even Dumbledore wasn't that cruel. Harry must have been feeling particularly nasty this year. Although he couldn't really blame Harry, since Dolores was such an odious woman. Also, that was yet  _ another _ teacher that hadn't been slain like he thought they would be. Hm... he had better make sure that Harry could actually  _ kill _ Tom. It was time to do some research this summer.

...

'Tonight is the night,' thought Dumbledore nervously as he walked towards Severus's office. 'You can do this Albus.' 

He knocked on Severus's door. After hearing Severus's curt "Enter," he opened the door.

"Ah, Severus! There was something I wanted to talk to you about," started Dumbledore before trailing off.

"Well?" said Severus impatiently.

"Right. Severus, I have a proposition for you. One that I feel that we have both wanted for a long time. I have seen the look in your eye letting me know that this is something you desire," said Dumbledore.

"Oh  _ god _ no! You're way too old and wrinkly for me!" said Severus, far too quickly for Dumbledore's liking. He could have at least thought about it a  _ little. _

Offended and heartbroken, Dumbledore spoke, "What? Severus, what in the world are you talking about?"

Severus gave him a suspicious look. "Weren't you just hitting on me?"

Dumbledore was silent for a moment before he let out a chuckle. "No, that isn't what I wished to speak with you about. Severus, my boy, are you still interested in the Defense position?"

  
  



End file.
